i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
