It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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