i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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