Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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