man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
