i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
