He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
