I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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