my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize
