Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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