I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
