I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
