I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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