so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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