So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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