Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
