I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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