Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
