so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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