Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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