I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize