I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
