I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
