he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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