Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
