i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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