Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize