paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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