I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
