I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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