3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
