You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
