he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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