I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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