You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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