Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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