I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
