The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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