Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
