After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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