Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
