"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
