mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
