Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
