The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
