I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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