if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
