the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize