Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
