i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
