my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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