Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
