someone threw a dead crab at me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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