im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize