Your tits are I can't wait for
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
