theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Alive.
So much puke
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
