You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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